Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
