Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
mondays should just be called national damage control day
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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