Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
