If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Randomize
