I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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