can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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