I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
