I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
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