I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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