also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
