3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Randomize
