I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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