So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Randomize
