He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
