im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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