Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
