Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
