I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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