When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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