There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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