John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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