so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
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Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
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Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
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