How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
