i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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