I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
