He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Randomize
