I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
