you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
