My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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