what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
how does that bad decision feel?
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