Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
