My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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