It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
