I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
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