My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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