It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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