The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
