She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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