I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.