I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear