Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
