My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
Randomize
