I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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