Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
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