I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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