If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
