I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Randomize
