in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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