i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
