Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
