I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
