News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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