Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
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