i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
