i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
