yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
