Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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