the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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