man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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