answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
You are the jesus of drinking
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
