He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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