the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
