i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
