i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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