Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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