The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
